Like you, I was saddened to hear of the sudden though not entirely unexpected passing of three Somali pirates recently.

There is no word yet on whether any parrots were injured when U.S. Navy Seal snipers sent the pirates on a one-way trip to Davy Jones' Locker.

Recent research has revealed pirates are just not very nice people. To give Canadians some context, these pirates are exactly the type of pirates whom if they were marauding the cottagers of Lake Winnipeg, or Lake Simcoe would be so brazen as to actually ignore the law that says they should register their rocket propelled grenade launchers.

I am also told they may not always carry the required number of life-jackets and I am willing to bet they are pretty careless with environmental laws regarding the proper disposal of their onboard waste. Clearly our foreign aid is really not having the desired effect within the world's pirate communities.

Like me, you are probably wondering where this important analysis of pirate behaviour is heading.

My point is this past week in Cambridge, Ont., Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff said if the Liberals were in charge they would raise taxes, which is exactly what pirates would do. Liberals and pirates love to shakedown defenceless regular people, though not even a pirate would propose this during a recession.

THE SECRET'S OUT

Anyway, now we know why Michael Ignatieff is not allowed to talk about ideas. He is not allowed to talk about ideas because his ideas are really quite awful.

Raising taxes is never a good idea, but raising taxes during a recession would be like taking a ball peen hammer to the knees of the economy. Michael, if this is your best thinking on the economy, I for one yearn for the old days when you spoke in platitudes, supported by cliches, all laid down on a foundation of empty rhetoric.

I note that while the Liberals are a tad short on solid policy ideas they do have strategies. For instance the Liberals have publicly announced they have a strategy to win the support of women by acting nicer during question period. Pirates also have a superficial strategy to try to attract the support of women, but they aren't so naive as to tell everyone about it.

So my point is Canada is not immune to a pirate infestation. For instance, has anyone seen Jack Layton lately? I haven't seen him for days. Could it be that Jack was captured by pirates?

Actually in this case the answer is no. After a couple of days of being cooped up with Jack on a ship listening to him go on about the UN, the '70s and how the crew should form a union, he'd be tossed back ashore and the pirates would need many new barrels of rum to help them get over their brush with the NDP.

Canadians can therefore breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing Jack Layton is not wearing daringly short cut-off blue jeans while serving as a captive cabin boy to homesick Somali pirates.

Clearly pirates are not, in this case at least, responsible for Jack's mysterious disappearance, and I join with you in praying for his safe return.